Frank Drebin – Comedy Quotes

The antics of Lawrence Pinkley, my teenage detective, are loosely based on Frank Drebin, a character I loved watching in the “Police Squad!” series on TV in the early 80’s.

The fictional character, Lt. Franklin ‘Frank’ Drebin, is played by Leslie Nielsen. He appears in the TV series Police Squad! and the Naked Gun movies. Frank Drebin is best described as a ‘bumbling fool,’ who is completely oblivious to the problems that he causes. His indiscretion and outspoken manner make him seem a cold, and often cynical individual. The character has been ranked number 23 on the list of the 100 Greatest Characters of all time, and some of his most hilarious quotes include:

The Naked Gun (1988)

Image: Paramount Pictures

‘Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he’s behind bars. Now, let’s grab a bite to eat.’

‘It’s a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!’

‘You take a chance getting up every morning crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.’

‘It’s true what they say – “Cops and women don’t mix.” It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside.’

Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)

‘I’m sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn’t that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?’

‘Looks like the cows have come home to roost.’

‘Real nice party, Hapsburg. I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.’

‘Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.’

‘I want a world where Frank Jr. and all the Frank juniors can sit under a shady tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean and go to a 7-11 without needing an interpreter.’

(Greeting the wheelchair bound Dr. Manheimer) ‘Don’t get up!’

Quentin Hapsburg: ‘Do you gamble?’

Frank Drebin: ‘Every time I eat out.’

Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994)

‘Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.’

‘Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. It’s just I won’t ever see you again.’

‘Well…we shot a lot of people together. It’s been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it’ll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.’

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